It is said that men may not be the dreams of the Gods, but rather that the Gods are the dreams of men.” ~ Carl Sagan

Hello. My name is God, and I am an atheist. I don’t believe in gods because there are no gods who created me and there’s no one else here to compare myself to. I just have always existed. I didn’t evolve from anything. I am now just as I always have been, and will always be that it in the future. Messes with your head, doesn’t it? Think of how I feel!

But, what if there is a god who created me? I don’t see any other gods here except me, so why should I believe in another god? How about faith? Can faith establish that there is another god? No way! That’s just being silly. Even if I do have a creator, who created that god? No, that’s a faulty line of reasoning. I am the one and only. There is no other god but me. Right? Before I could know of another god, there must first be hard evidence and genuine scientific proof. That’s not going to happen, because I am God, I’d know of such things.

Okay, just me then. Now that I’ve got that question solved, what am I going to do now? There’s a lot of black empty space out here and I’m getting really bored! I gotta do something. Maybe I should create a “Big Boom” or a “Big Bam” or some kind of huge explosion and see what happens.

[A gigantic, mind-numbing, multiverse-shaking explosion ensues...]

…Okay, so I guess that was more of a “Big Bang”. Not bad, not bad at all. I’m an instant artist! Look at these beautiful stars, planets, and galaxies.

I’m impressed. I’m the greatest thing in this whole universe. But then, I’m the only one here, so I’m greatest by default. I suppose I could create other gods, and challenge them so that I can see for myself if I am indeed the greatest. On second thought, that may be a bad idea. What if they beat me? Or form evil alliances against me and revolt? That’ll be embarrassing. And what if they ask me who created me? Since I am the one who created them, they might think there must be some other god who created me. They’ll stop worshipping me, and look for other gods. Not acceptable. Moreover, they’re not gonna believe me if I said I just came into being out of nothing. Still, I could force them to believe whatever I want them to believe. Or I could punish the non-believers. I’ll have to give this some thought.

[Some time later...]

I’m bored. I’ve created everything I wanted to create. Am I going to be the only one admiring my own work? That would be lame. …I know! What if, instead of creating new gods, I create some tiny little creatures on one or more of these planets? They won’t be as powerful as a god, so they won’t be a threat to me. I’ll design them unable to see me, but they can see all my genius works. They can admire my work and praise me for it. It’ll be fun seeing them trying to figure out what the heck is going on. I can see it now: some will claim that they know me and have spoken to me or I have spoken to them, and they’ll use my name to start a religion. Soon, there will be a whole bunch of them and they’ll be killing each other to prove which Me is the one and only “true” Me. And I’ll never speak to any one of them. Anything they think is my voice will be misinterpretation or self-delusion.

This will be good entertainment. Should keep my boredom away. I get to be movie director. Producer too. And the whole special effects production crew. To paraphrase someone I’m about to create, “it’s good to be the god!”

Okay, got a little sidetracked there. Back to the plan. Those “religion” businessmen will use really effective marketing strategies in order to control others, making people behave with a predetermined right and wrong. All in my name, of course. That’ll cause problems, but those are their problems, not mine. I just want an audience.

Now, what will my creatures look like? I can’t make them all look exactly like me. They’ll need some variation on a common theme. Shall I create them all supernaturally with a finger snap? Or shall I use evolution by natural selection? No, that one will take far too long. I don’t want to wait. I need worshipers now. Chop chop! I want love. I want fear. I want worship. And I’ll get it. Or I’ll throw any rebels into a burning lake of fish. No, not fish. There’s not enough intimidation there. Fire, I’ll use a burning lake of fire. Hell, what a beautiful plan!

My creatures should never know about this stage of my confusion. I am God! I am perfect! I get everything right the first time! That’s all they need to know… And no matter what I details I let slip, I’m sure someone will create a better version of this story anyway. Or versions. Just like the religion business, there’ll be a whole bunch of variations on my story, all trying to compete with each other, so I don’t have to worry about my reputation.

Okay, enough thinking and talking to myself. Let’s do this.

[A loud, sustained whooshing sound is heard...]

…and done. I’ve got a bunch of weird creatures, including those based vaguely in my image: humans. There’s one boy and one girl. I’ll need to make more. Or they could save me the effort, and do something to each other to multiply. They can self-procreate without me. All I need to do is to create the first species of everything and give them all the ability to self-replicate.

[Loud, sustained squelching noises are heard...]

I think I’ve had enough of this. I thought I wouldn’t be bored, but I am. Things are not working out the way I really wanted. I want to delete it all and reformat everything. I’m lonely, fed up and now bored. I can’t kill myself. …or can I? If I were to kill myself, would any of my followers notice the difference?

Okay, whether or not I decide to commit Divine Suicide, let me give a deathbed confession: let me tell you how I came into being. How I was created. Are you ready for this?

It’s you.

Yes, you heard me. You. You are my God, since you created me. Well, that’s not literally true. It wasn’t all you, but your kind. People like you, living long, long ago - those people created me. Though my original stories were nothing more than explanations of the world before science and sociology, these magic tricks and uneducated thoughts exist today.

Don’t be mad. Don’t be depressed. I will still exist for as long as you want me too. Oh, by the way, the devil, angels, ghosts and anything Sylvia Browne says are also completely made up. I’m really, really sorry. But I can’t take all the blame. If you paid more attention in class during science, psychology and a few other related subjects, you probably wouldn’t be such an emotional wreck right now, and you’d be able to handle this with no problem.

And there you go. Being God, I already know that some of you will begin to think about what I’ve said here and free yourselves from the slave chains of religion, the supernatural and superstitious beliefs. And some will still want to believe I exist and my old made-up stories are legit. But I’m telling you this now because I think the time is right. There’s too much damage done already by this unethical business practice of religion. You don’t need those ignorant and outdated stories designed to control and manipulate. It’s time for you to free yourself and live your life to the fullest. Unless you’re some psycho, you can probably do that without causing harm to others. For those who still insist that I am real, well go ahead if it really makes you happy. But don’t think for a second that others are simply going to keep quiet.

“At least two thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity, idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religious or political idols.” ~ Aldous Huxley

“To explain the unknown by the known is a logical procedure; to explain the known by the unknown is a form of theological lunacy.” ~ David Brooks

Science, Reason & Rationality